“In fiction, a kid can make her own choices—good or bad.” -A Jewish Q&A with author Melissa Roske, Coming of Age: 13 B’nei Mitzvah Stories

When I first received an email about Coming of Age: 13 B’nei Mitzvah Stories (Albert Whitman & Company, 2022), I was delighted! I’d heard there was a middle-grade anthology about B’nei Mitzvah coming out and couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to read and review. The stories are diverse, touching, funny, and sweet.

I caught up with anthology contributor Melissa Roske, author of Kat Greene Comes Clean, about her story, “Grandma Merle’s Last Wish,” to ask her all the Jewish questions! In the story, Bella has a Bat Mitzvah at the request of her grandmother.

Q: Your story opens with the main character scraping mayo off her BLT in a diner while her mom brings up having a Bat Mitzvah. But then again, Bella isn't exactly religious, which is what makes having a Bat Mitzvah at all so surprising to her. I definitely giggled at the opening line! Talk to me about how you chose it!

A: I could have chosen any sandwich for Bella—grilled cheese; pastrami on rye; PB&J—but I wanted to show, right out of the gate, that Bella comes from a nonreligious Jewish family. For her, there’s no baggage attached to bacon—or to anything Jewish for that matter, including a Bat Mitzvah. That’s why Grandma Merle’s request seems so outrageous to her. It comes out of left field.

Additionally, Bella’s sandwich choice reflects my own (admittedly strange) relationship to bacon. Although my family was more observant than Bella’s—we went to temple pretty regularly, and we didn’t eat pork products at home—my mom happily ordered BLTs in restaurants. I found this confusing because my grandmother, who was Orthodox and kept a kosher kitchen, insisted that pigs were “filthy” animals who rolled around in mud. She even insisted that I’d get sick if I ate treif. These conflicting messages, from the two women I loved most in the world, made my head spin. I guess that’s why I wanted Bella’s life to be less complicated than mine. Until Grandma Merle voiced her “last wish,” of course…

Q: Bella's doing this for Grandma Merle. "Many people turn to religion as they get older," Bella's mother says about Grandma Merle, who claims to be dying and says this is her last wish. But later Bella realizes that this Bat Mitzvah is really about Grandma Merle wanting her granddaughter to get to know her better. I would love to hear more about these insights.

A: If people were more open about what they wanted—i.e., Grandma Merle admitting she’d like to know Bella better, rather than claiming a Bat Mitzvah for Bella was her “last wish”—life would be so much easier. A request would be made, and the outcome would be positive or negative. Unfortunately, people tend to fear rejection so badly they’d rather hide their true feelings than risk a negative outcome. That’s why Grandma Merle acted the way she did. She didn’t do it maliciously, of course—or even consciously. She acted out of fear and insecurity, as people often do.

Q: While Bella thinks the idea of having a Bat Mitzvah is absolutely crazy, after her mom says she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to, Bella begins to think about what this might mean to Grandma Merle. I love that Bella comes to the decision on her own. Was this something you particularly wanted to impart to your readers?

A: On a conscious level, no—because I, like many kidlit writers, am careful not to moralize or send a heavy-handed “message” to readers. That would be unfair to the reader, and unfair to the story. That said, it was important to me that Bella have a Bat Mitzvah because she wanted one—not because a grownup pressured her into it. Think about it: Kids have very few choices in life. They’re told when to go to bed, and when to get up; when to brush their teeth, and when to eat their vegetables; when to pay attention in class, and when to kick a ball at recess. In fiction, a kid can make her own choices—good or bad. If it’s a good choice, that’s just icing on the cake.

Q: Bella thinks of herself as "barely Jewish." I know this is a common feeling among Jews when they walk into a space where there's other Jews who are more religious. And sometimes Jews can feel "too Jewish" when they walk into a space where there's less religious Jews or no Jews at all. What are your own experiences with feeling barely or too Jewish?

A: As a Reform Jew from New York City, where about one in ten residents is Jewish, I’ve never felt “too Jewish.” But I did feel “barely Jewish,” ironically enough, during my first visit to Germany. It was back in the ’90s, and boyfriend (now husband) brought me to Hamburg to meet his friends and family—most of whom had never met a Jew. (Sadly, and for obvious reasons, Germany has a minuscule Jewish population.) As a reform Jew with a bacon-eating mother, the pressure to be the Ambassador of American Jewry was a heavy burden to bear. My husband’s friends had so many questions, and I didn’t have the answers. I felt like I’d Let My People… down.

I had a similar experience—again, ironically enough—with my German in-laws during a trip to Israel. My mother-in-law, who’s inquisitive to begin with, had a million questions: Why do Orthodox women wear wigs? Why do Jews place stones instead of flowers on cemetery markers? What’s the significance of the Wailing Wall…? I was better equipped to answer the questions this time, but as before, being the unofficial representative of All Things Jewish felt uncomfortable for me. It still does.

Q: The rabbi gives books to Bella that your readers can actually go out and read like My Basmati Bat Mitzvah. This is one of my favorite questions to ask Jewish authors, particularly when they are writing for kids: What were your favorite books in middle school, and when was the first time you saw yourself represented in fiction?

A: My all-time favorite book was (and still is) Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. I identified strongly with Harriet—as an only child, and as a New Yorker. Also, Harriet is raised by a nanny, as I was; attends a small, quirky private school, as I did; and has two well-meaning but distracted parents—again, just like me. I always assumed Harriet was Jewish—her last name is Welsch—but who knows? Religion isn’t factored into the story.

My other favorite book, Judy Blume’s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, does have a strong religious component—Margaret’s father is Jewish, and her mother is Christian, and Margaret feels compelled to “pick a side”—but I was more drawn to Margaret’s story, and to Blume’s masterful writing, than to anything else. I suppose I didn’t need to see myself represented in fiction, because as a Jewish New Yorker I saw myself everywhere: on the street, at school, in stores, in my apartment building… If I’d grown up anywhere else, I wouldn’t have had that luxury. I was lucky that way.

Q: How much of your own experiences did you use in writing this story? I want to hear about your Bat Mitzvah!

A: Unlike Bella, I had a traditional Bat Mitzvah at Central Synagogue, an imposing Moorish Revival synagogue on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. The reception was held at Roma di Notte, an Italian nightclub across the street from the temple. Why my parents chose this particular venue is beyond me (it was described by New York magazine as the perfect spot for a “romantic rendezvous”), but as a 13-year-old I had no say in the matter. I didn’t have a say in what I wore either, because my outfit was hideous: a floor-length pink dress paired with babyish patent-leather shoes, with white gym socks peeking out underneath (the shoes were too wide for my extremely narrow feet). Oh, and I was small for my age, so I looked like a nine-year-old flower girl. Tragic.

I shouldn’t complain, but I don’t remember having much fun at the party, because my dad insisted that I sit next to my bratty little cousin, rather than with my friends at the other end of the table. My dad did this out of kindness, but it irked the hell out of me. (Can I say “hell” when talking about a Bat Mitzvah? ☺) 

Despite her thinking her outfit was “hideous,” the author has generously provided photos from her own Bat Mitzvah! On a personal note, I think she looked adorable! Unlike me in my own Bat Mitzvah photos, which I am not brave enough to share.